It was always me

Hard but fun. I always thought I can be a better person for the special person in my life, to be the one that will always love her and take care of her but I was wrong. Because of my twisted mind I constantly create problem and pointing out her as the cause but while reflecting into it, it turns out that it was I who thinks a lot and really the root of it. I'm scared that one day, she will grow tired of me and leave me or it is the other way around? Currently there are thoughts in my head that I can't understand, maybe this is what she told me that I will be bonded by my commitment though I know I don't want to leave her. This ain't that easy since we are just starting and I am haunted by her not so good history, but overall I do appreciate what she's doing and I hope I can do better now moving forward.


Needing for a red light

As long as I see a green light, I always go. Now that thing I want was already in my hand, all I felt was a sense of guilt. Things will be out of my control if I continue to work like this, I need a red light, somehow I need to be stopped. Self control will be the key and a bright future will follow.


Quotable Tony..

When it is mine I take it seriously, if it is others I laugh at it. Does it make me stupid?

We can never consistently become happy and successful in the course of our life. Everyday there are obstacles we need to passed through, but how come that I don't know how to comfort the one I love when she struggles, how come all I know is to make fun of all things. Is there's something wrong with just laughing at the problem?

How I wish I can be a complete package. A romantic, comforting, rich and handsome partner.

"One thing I couldn't protect is the one thing I couldn't live without" -Tony Starks


Perfection is a matter of judgment

Impressions are just a mere superficial judgment, It is whats within that is important. Everything happened for a reason as they said, it is only how you accommodate such events.

Being optimistic is a challenge, if dreaming perfection can be called optimism. However, regardless I lacked of many things, I still hope that one day, those visions will come through. Those days are still short and there will be more to come, yet those days are quite fulfilling. Some says because it was just the first time I experienced those things, including the fact that I dug my grave before I started to create my pedestal. It was though and getting tougher each days since everyday new information is needed to be processed and to be accepted. What can I say, I am an Opportunistic Pathogen, a mere stranger that saw an suppressed person and grab the opportunity: boasting that I am a person who can make her happy; boasting that what was said was merely a lies; boasting that I am a better person than who ever she came across with. O yeah! I am a pathogen. trying to influence her without even saying what is my real intent. Initially, there were really no intent, it was just some or rather 2 pass or fail test wherein she both succeed. Then engulfing the idea of being a opportunistic I told her what was I am thinking (it is basically all about her). She never understand how my mind works, but I am interested to know her better. Questions were postulated, doubts were started. Though what I am feeling and thinking are in sync, but I'm still luring her to the idea that I dreamed for a future, which aren't bad at all, not by any sort off a pressure, it is just I don't feel any player presence in myself. I rather called myself gamer than a player. But who know, shit may happen. I am not perfect (certainly not) but I know! I know! What I am capable of, and I am capable to make someone happy as we are all. But for how long? Who knows? But one thing is for sure! Perfect future is a matter of combing all necessary components, it is just word for me that doesn't need to be take literally. It is just a mixture of accepting each other imperfection, understanding each parties concept, respecting believed and most importantly increase happiness each day you stay with her.

You know what! It is stupid to say that I love you the first time I saw you or go out with you. However, I can say I liked you and I want to know you better for me to know that it might be love since there is no concrete definition of such word. It is just a matter of our own perspective.

Each conversation we had, I just hope that it build positive conclusions, because right now, we are both a "tabula rasa", that we are writing our future together and using the past as our lesson for better tomorrow.


It was not me until yesterday

it was just not me until yesterday.
until I woke up and realized how failures carve me so far
and thinking the obstacle I've passed and still passing,
how those failure converted into inspiration and motivation
to move forward and be a stronger
to aim higher everyday
since we are living in a spherical world
wherein there is no end, but just constant changes
that we ourselves are the one who set boundaries
so for now let us hold onto our past
be guided with those memories
wake up in a day
and start building for the future.


Constant changing?

There are times people need to change. Change might be one of the essential part of our life, this is our weapon in facing different challenges in our life.
Within this process, there are people who help us change or actually they are the one who make us change the way we speak, walk, and love.

Sharing this changing process is a way I want you to listen to what happened.
I myself is not like this but of course this special person who, well I guess I can't remove in my life no matter how she was hard on me I didn't care to the point it made me realized that it's time to change, it was enough for now and it's time to focus in more important things in my life, well actually this ideal is one of several things I've learned with her. There are things that are essential that something personal. So no matter what I do to removed her in me, looking for someone else, it doesn't help, she already left a great mark which impacted me a lot.

Thanks Bear!